


Come, the Fires of hell and Hails of Saturn

by XenobotKin



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: And helps Bitty learn how, Before sex, Bitty doesn't know how to do the romantic part of the sex, Boys Kissing, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, French Kissing, Gentle Kissing, Inappropriate Humor, Jack at least knows that much, Kissing, M/M, Pornography Mentioned, Sexual Humor, Wicky is a little SHIT, after sex - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:47:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23679391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XenobotKin/pseuds/XenobotKin
Summary: Bitty and Jack set up a date for their first time having involvements. Bitty realizes that he's not really sure what that looks like. So he goes to the interwebs and some not so helpful teammates to help him figure it out. In the end? Jack is patient and supportive and things work out.There is a lot of talk about sex, like that's the focus of this story, but there is no smut or erotica here. Scenes take place before and after said sex. I wanted to try something way out of my comfort zone for my first Check Please fic, and this is what came. My profile will still probably never have any works with an "Explicit" rating. That being said? Enjoy!
Relationships: Eric "Bitty" Bittle/Jack Zimmermann
Kudos: 44





	1. The Failures of Bing

_How to Have Sex._ Bitty was staring at his question in the searchbar. Of Bing. Because Google did not provide sufficient answers.

Bitty finally turned his eyes down to the results. _Oh Lord in Heaven these are awful._ Wikihow? Horrible. Cosmopolitan? Unacceptable. Buzzfeed? Evil. _Guys please I know what to do during the act but how am I? Me? Supposed to get it to happen in the first damn place?_

This was Bitty’s fifth? Fifth time googling this this week. He and Jack had officially had the talk. They were ready. They both wanted this. Bitty would be staying at Jack’s place this weekend, so like…yeah, this was happening. Bitty wasn’t so much worried about the prep or the act itself, that was easy to understand (plus, being in Hockey Locker rooms with Ransom and Holster for 2 years helped him understand the ins and outs), _but how do you start it? Do I just walk into his room naked? Does he take my clothes off for me? Wait…does he want to do that? Wait…does he want to do it the way I assumed we would?_

Bitty sighed, before x’ing out of this tab. The next tab over was a blogpost titled “How to Convince your Sexy Lover that you’re Worth the Effort to F*&%.” _Jack probably wouldn’t like me reading articles that put me down so much before the article actually started, but dammit he is so darn cute and handsome and I just don’t know how to make him as happy to do this with me as I am to do it with him!_

Bitty x’ed out of that one too. _Clearly, the internet is not the place to this. At least not search engines. Maybe I should just…ask someone? But…asking for sex advice with Jack Zimmerman would require one of my friends knowing I was dating Jack Zimmerman. Who would even be the best advice to ask? Ransom and Holster would be the least awkward, but they’d probably have the worst advice. Shitty? Probably better advice, but even if I tried to keep it vague, he’d probably catch on who I’m trying to entertain. Lardo too. Dex? Hm…he might not feel comfortable with gay sex questions. Nurse? God, he’d be too comfortable. Chowder probably has good advice, but oh Heavens I don’t want to think about my Son having intercourse, much less make him think about mine. Tango? Somehow that seems…ill-advised. Whiskey? Does…does Whiskey even…like me? I mean, I don’t think he does but…okay Bitty, stop that. One panic attack at a time. The only other option that remains…Ah. Well…I suppose it couldn’t hurt._


	2. Reaching Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think in the first like, 10 lines of this fic I put more character into Wicky than Ngozi ever wanted or intended him to have
> 
> Bitty meets Wicks to learn about the bees and the bees

“Wicky! Wicky, hey!” Bitty practically sprinted to the Economics building on campus just for this. He was lucky that he even knew Wicky was taking classes in this building.

Wicky turned around, trying to see who was talking to him. “Oh? Bits, hey man. What’s up?”

Bitty was panting heavily. “Hey, uuh, can I talk to you?”

“Oh…can it wait ‘til practice? I’d rather not think about Hockey at every single waking moment, if I can avoid it, you know?”

“It’s not about hockey, dear.”

“What do you _mean_ its not about hockey?” Wicky’s face looked genuinely confounded.

Bitty’s eyebrow raised in his own confusion. “I…I mean it’s not about hockey.”

“Wait, you want to talk to me about something that isn’t hockey?” Wicky’s tone carried an accusatory weight Bitty found offensive.

“Pacer Wicks are you insinuating I am not interested in you as a friend?”

“Bittle, we haven’t talked about anything but hockey in like, 20 days.” Wicky’s confusion turned into his chirping smile. “And no, talking to me endlessly about Beyoncé while I eat my frosted flakes doesn’t count as ‘us talking.’”

“Wicky do not bring our highness into this! But yes, I need to talk to about something that isn’t ice sport related!”

Wicky rolled his eyes playfully. “Okay, come on, follow me into the food courts.”

Bitty jogged in front of the walking off Wicky. “Wait! Sorry, no, I mean…I need to uh…. _talk_ to you.”

Wicky walked past Bitty. “We can _talk,_ ” he said, dittoing Bitty’s timbre, “at the food courts.”

Bitty jogged in front once more. “No, Wicky, like, in private! This is a personal matter!”

Wicky stopped for a moment. “In someone in danger or something?”

“No no, nothing like that.”

Wicky continued forward “Then we can talk in the food courts.”

Bitty, becoming desperate, jogged in front of Wicky once more. “No, Wiiiiicky!!” Bitty sighed. “It’s about….sex” he said quietly, below the tone of a whisper.

“Bruh…Bitty we’re college boys, sex isn’t private, that shit is like, a matter of fair use. Let’s go.”

Bitty slumped over, realizing he was defeated. He followed Wicky poutily.


	3. Retracting your Reach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bitty is not like most boys. Bitty should not go to most boys for romantic advice.
> 
> (P.S. rereading this, like, IDK why but I made Wicky such a moron lol I think I like...projected some of hatred of old closeted me onto this poor Wicky based on how stupid I was about this stuff when I was in the closet lol I promise I don't hate Wicky)

Wicky bought Bitty an orange, in what Bitty thought was an attempt to ease his nerves for this talk. That Bitty wanted to have _in private. But no, Pacer Wicks is a hockey boy in college and refuses to be private about this like any other sensible person._

“Wicky, please, can we please just go to an empty classroom or a far off bench or something other than a crowded food court at 12:45 on a Tuesday.”

Wicky sighed, and said in a plainly monotone, speaking volume voice. “Bitty wants sex advice.”

Bitty threw his hands over his mouth and looked around the following tables nervously, trying to see if anyone heard this _scandal._ It appeared no one was looking. “Wicky, please, they might hear you next time!!”

Wicky shook his head. “Dude, everyone around us heard. No one gives a good goddamn. You know, if Beyoncé can twerk in front of the millions on twitter surely you can ask a sex question to a hockey bro.”

_Invoking the Queen’s power. To STIR me. Wicky you vile schemer. You dare compare little ole’ me to Queen Knowles. You insult us all._

Bitty sighed, seeing as Wicky probably, really, really wanted his yogurt bowl, so Bitty might as well let him eat his food here, since he’s agreed to answer at least. Any man should be allowed to enjoy his….

“Wicky, what on God’s green Earth is in your yogurt bowl?”

“Some sort of dried fruit. Either cranberries or pineapple.” _Wicky in what timeline can you misidentify a craisin for a pineapplaisin._ “Okay, we’re here, you’re queer, and Physics class draws near. Whattaya want to know about?”

Bitty looked around nervously, hoping the people not looking at them would stay not looking at them. “Wicky, I’m going to…well…I’m going to have sex with someone soon…and, I really don’t know like…”

“Oh God, Bitty…Google. I am NOT teaching you how to have sodomy.”

“I know HOW, Wicky! I’m asking what I do in the lead up to that! I don’t know what to say or do to set the mood!” Bitty’s blushing was relentless and furious. Cranberry red.

“Oh. So you want to know how to make him horny? Oh, yeah, that I can give tips on.” _‘Horny.’ Why couldn’t you say aroused. Or titillated. Please, Wicky, work with me here._ “Okay, first thing’s first, what’s this guy like?”

“I’d rather not say Wicky, or I’d already have told you dear.”

“Okay….So it’s someone on the team.”

Bitty’s honeyglows came back. The blush was strong today. “Pacer!” _I don’t know his middle name._ “Wickington! WICKS! Do not make such, such… _licentious_ presumptions about me!”

Wicky nodded. “Right. Okay. So I know it’s not Ollie.”

“Oh my God Wicky, stop.” Bitty was begging.

“Okay…let’s see. Shitty’s probably with Lardo. So not him.”

“Wicky, I swear you don’t know this person.” Bitty was imploring.

Wicky scratched his chin. “Dex is still going through his post-republican phases, so not him either.”

“Wicky, no. He’s on the gymnastics team.” Bitty was beseeching.

“Chowder probably likes you enough to have platonic sex…but idk, I don’t think he’d cheat on Farmer….yeah, totes not.”

“He’s on the competitive Mancala team.” Bitty was petitioning.

“Ransom or Holster? That’s an option. Oh hey, it’s both of them, isn’t it? Like? You’re gonna do it them to get rid of your V-card and they get to finally have a threesome with someone?”

“Oh god, Oh god NO Wicky I swear…” Bitty ripped out and open his wallet and found his pocket full of starbucks gift cards “I will give you every last one of my ‘buy nine get your tenth one free’ coffee cards if you cease what you are doing right this moment!”

Wicky pondered the offer, looking at the cards carefully. “I get first choice at pie flavor choice. 5 weeks.”

Bitty’s heart broke. He was **just** about to try his Aunt Thelma’s recipe for a white grapefruit pie! And Chowder had asked him to make a pineapple pie! He never got to work with pineapple as a pie ingredient!

Evidently, Bitty didn’t answer fast enough. “Whiskey is pretty hot? Him?”

Bitty bowed his head to the desk. “Deal! Deal! Just stop this hell!”

Wicky nodded and smirked. He then spit in his hand and held it out. “Shake and we gotta deal.”

Bitty eyed Wicky’s hand cynically. “I know I agreed to this to save myself from torment, but Wicky please know that neither the fires of hell nor the hails of Saturn could make me shake that hand.”

Wicky smirked. “Fine, as long as you promise.” He proceeded to wipe his saliva damp hand on the pant leg of his khaki shorts. _One of these days, Pacer. You and me, in a dark alley, with nothing but a pie cutter and a pastry torch._

“Okay, real talk Bitty, I don’t care who it is, really. I’m teasing. I’ve the whole dating a teammate thing. It’s fine. Either way, no matter the guy, queer guys like two things in a lay, and they have to go together.”

Bitty squinted suspiciously, staying far away from Wicky’s range of touch as that _defiled_ hand still seemed damp. “What do you mean, hun?”

“Confidence, and meekness.”

“Wicky, you sound like your describing an ideal wife to a Southern Baptist.”

“I mean….I don’t know, I might be? But look, the point is, gay guys want someone who is willing to you know, be gay alongside them. Being flamboyant, and sexy, and proud of who you are. They eat that shit up.” Wicky seemed far too confident in this to be a straight boy.

“Well…” croaked Bitty, playing with his hands. “I wouldn’t mind being…proud, and sexy, and flamboyant. Those things all sound nice. I could have fun with that.”

“Yeah, but you also gotta be ‘meek’ dude,” as he airquoted the word. “Like, this guy, I guaranTEE he’s dreamt of taking control. You gotta give him some of that fantasy, you know? Like, really let him work you over!”

“Okay, now you made it weird, Wicky.” _I should’ve stuck with Bing._

“Look, Bitty, flat out, for a guy, you’re hot. Like, the hips, the legs, the bod, you’re like, two boobs away from being any straightie’s perfect 10 bro.”

Bitty suddenly found himself blushing. _Even Jack hasn’t complimented my body so boldly, that’s really ni… wait._ “Wicks, have you had conversations with others about my body? Why does it feel this isn’t a new topic for you?”

Wicky smirked. “Dude, for those of us who have friends outside of the Haus, you’re a pretty welltalked topic amongst Samwell’s MLM community.”

“I’m not a FANFIC Wicky I’m a….that’s it.”

Wicky just got done shoving a bowl of yogurty fruit into his mouth, yet continued to talk. “Wshat’shit?”

Bitty stood up from the table. “That’s what I need to do! I’ll just find a bunch of porn and see what guys like! That’s the perfect idea!”

“Ushshyeah, shankts, anshd chour welshome,” gorgled Wicky, giving a thumbs up.

Bitty walked away. “Wicky, you did nothing, I thought of it myself. And you will get nothing as well,” Bitty turned around sassily, his imaginary Beyoncé locks flowing in the motion, “and dear, please don’t chew and talk at once.”

Wicky braced himself on the table, standing up. “WHAT?”


	4. Jack comforts Bitty emotionally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack checks on his Bitty. Remember to do that often, as Bittys can and will overthink themselves into unnecessary anxiety.

Bitty braced himself at his work desk. Laptop out, and open, on incognito mode of course, so Jack could never trace this back to him

“Just google some simple gay porn, Bitty. Just a little, so you get a feel for what guys like. You can do this.”

18 minutes and 43 seconds later

Bitty was crying his hands buried in his arms. “I-I’m not good enough for this! H-h-how can I ever be that hot!!”

Bitty’s tearful self-worth questioning was interrupted by that oh-so-familiar “Bloop-di-dloop, bloo-loop,” of Skype’s incoming call.

“Jack <3 <3 <3 <3 <3” is calling you. Answer?”

Bitty sighed. _Maybe I could just ask Jack about his preferences. Maybe._

Bitty answered, “Hey hon! How are you doing today?”

Jack’s face immediately puffed up in worry before at 3 second mark of the videocall hit. “Bits, are you okay?”

Bitty sighed. Again. “Yeah, honey, I’m fine. I just got worked up over…well…nothing really.”

“You can tell me, Bits. That’s what I’m here for.” _God bless this beautiful and man praise God that I got him._

“Well, uhm…Jack…ever since our talk on Sunday, I’ve been trying to…there’s no easy way to say this without revealing my inner loser.”

Jack scowled. “Bitty. You don’t have one of those. What’s going on?”

Bitty breathed in deeply. He could _feel_ the anxiety-driven-rant coming on. _Release the beast,_ moaned the evil pastry chef on his metaphorical shoulder.

“So like ever since our talk I’ve been really really obsessed making sure our first time is perfect for cause you’re the most perfect man the ever exist and I want you to have fun but like I’ve never done this so I didn’t really know the best way to go about so I thought I would like figure out the best way to impress and or seduce you but it turns out that most of Google’s search results for ‘how to be good at fucking’ are pretty heteronormative so I went to Bing its results are shit and I—”

“Whoa, what okay Bittle one thing at a time, here, I didn’t—”

Bittle was not phased by Jack’s attempts at healthy communication “—wasn’t sure what to do next so I thought I should ask someone more experienced but I didn’t want to tip anyone off so I went to Wicky, and I chose him over Ollie because Ollie was upset the other day because his girlfriend is awful at sex so like Wicky was the natural choice but it turns out Wicky’s advice is awful and he like shipped me with like the entire team and made us talk in the cafeteria while he ate dried beets but he thought it was pineapple or cranberries because he’s a culinary idiot and I just—”

“Bits slow down I don’t understand what Wicky and beets and ships has to do with what’s happeni—”

Bitty’s pulse was increasing; as was his words-per-minute speed “—thought it would be best to just get advice from the internet again so I went to find some gay porn but like everything was so scary the guys were so hot like all of them but the bigger guy was practically beating the hell out of the small guy so I clicked away from that video and halfway through the next one the guy grabbed the other guy’s hair and commanded him to MOO and then I clicked away and then they were on a train with like actual people on it and one of them had on a floppy horse mask and I started crying because I’m not as hot as the guy in the horse mask and I can’t Moo very well an—Jack?” Bitty realized that Jack’s face was no longer on the screen.

“Jack? Honey? A-are you there?”

Jack appeared back on camera. “Sorry, I turned the volume down because things got really kinky really kick and I’m pretty sure my neighbors have kids”

“Oh.” Bitty sighed for the third time, and laid his head down. “Jack, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so crazy over this…”

Jack smirked. “Bits, you didn’t need to go through all the trouble. If you wanted to know what kind of things I liked, I could’ve just told you.”

Bitty’s head popped up like a meercat’s. “You would’ve?”

“I mean, yeah, and I still can. Just…just let’s give you a moment to calm down first, okay?”

“Right…Jack, I’m really sorry, I guess I should’ve asked…”

“No Bits, it’s…look, I knew you were gonna be nervous, because I was a little nervous, and like, whenever one of us is a little worried the other one is going nuts. So, you know, I’m sorry I wasn’t you know, making us talk about this, as the time approached.”

“We…we still can, you know?” Bitty was wiping tears from his eyes and imagining his sleeves was Jack’s.

“Yeah, can we? We should.”


	5. Jack Comforts Bitty Physically

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's get physical, pHYSICAL

Today. Was Sunday. Sunday Sexday, for a 20 year old Mr. Eric Bittle. It had been about a week in the making. And the early parts of that week were exhausting. Terrifying even. Then, came the intervention of a Mr. Jack Zimmerman. And things were going to be okay.

Jack was laying on his bead, topless, full abs-a-showing, in his red jogging shorts, hands behind his head. He could’ve been staring at the ceiling, or the mirror, or at his Falconer’s flag on his wall. But he was not staring at any of these. He was staring patiently at his bathroom door, which hang only slightly ajar. He could hear clothes muffling the background.

“Ready?” Bitty’s voice was quivering a little, still obviously somewhat frazzled by all this.

“Come on Bits, let’s see you.” Jack spoke confidently. He wanted to see Bitty right more than he had ever wanted to see anything.

Bitty stepped out. He was wearing a pink flannel top, which was tied just below his chest, at his ribs in a loose knot. The sleeves were pulled up, the oversized pink print loosely dangling from Bitty’s elbows. He was wearing lightwash denim shorts. Much too short for even his petit frame. Hiked up, and unzipped. Why put them on when they’re coming right off? Because Jack and Bitty decided this would be a happy medium.

Bitty was looking Jack in the eyes, but his cheeks were bright red, and he kept looking down.

Jack was practically ogling. “Wow, Bitty. That’s good. I mean…you look…you look hot. C’mere, you.” Jack’s beckoning brought Bitty towards him, slowly pacing himself, trying not to see to eager. Jack gently pulled Bitty onto his lap, and held his hand to Bitty’s chest, feeling the rhythm of his lover’s heart. “Okay. We’re here. You wanna calm down? Jack gently pulled Bitty’s head close to his own chest, running his fingers through Bitty’s hair.

Bitty smirked. “I’m trying, hon! You’re hot, you know, it’s to look at you without your shirt and not just melt into you.” He looked into Jack’s face, which was met with immediate affection. Jack gently kissed Bitty’s lips, and massaged his far shoulder, his other hand crawling down Bitty’s just, and gripping a beltloop of the denim shorts.

Jack’s smiled softened as he pulled away from Bitty’s lips. “Hey, bud. Really. No pressure, okay? This doesn’t need to be the best ever. It doesn’t even _need_ to be that good. I just want you to feel safe and loved, okay? Which means—”

The word love shook through Bitty’s spine and heart like and earthquake. It was still hitting him how real this all was. “If something hurts, I need to say so. If I get nervous or scared I need to say so. And you’ll do the same, right, honey?”

Jacked nodded, kissing Bitty’s forehead on the way down. “Yeah. Your pulse has quieted. Do you think you’re ready?”

Bitty exhaled. “I’m still nervous…but…when I’m with you, I know I can do anything.”

Jack smirked. “I didn’t teach you that in dirty talk 101, now did I?”

“Oh hush you. C’mere.” Bitty’s hands grabbed Jack’s shoulder, and pulled Bitty’s face to Jack’s. As their lips met, Bitty’s mouth quivered open, and Jack’s tongue slipped in. Jack laid down, pulling Bitty on top of him.


	6. The...like...2-8 minutes After, Chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talk. Communicate. Express what you want your partner to know.

Their first time lasted about 2 and a half hours. Just enough of that time was getting everyone physically ready for the act, which lasted a good few minutes. Bitty didn’t have a lot of stamina yet. Jack was kind of rusty. It hurt a few times. There was an awkward few moments here and there.

Bitty had never felt such strong pleasures and passions. Jack had never once even come close to being this satisfied from a partner.

As they lay in bed, Bitty on his side, Jack’s chest pressed firmly against Bitty’s back, his bottom arm providing Bitty a pillow, his top arm, a blanket, Bitty worked on getting his breathing back to normal. He didn’t expect his breathing to be affected as much as it was. Jack held Bitty tighter, breathing in the sweat and perfume in his hair. He didn’t quite realize how nervous he would feel about how much bigger his body was than Bitty’s. He was a little scared he’d break hi at moments. And yet. They lay there, bodies entangled, having nothing but positive feelings about what just happened.

“So, uh…w-was that good?” Bitt managed to squirmed the words out of his mouth.

“Bits, yeah, hell yeah, of course. You had fun too, right?”

“Bitty scooted back farther into Jack’s arms. “It was great, Jack. Honey…you know how in movies the person says I love you after sex, but feels regrets or something?”

Bitty couldn’t see it, but’s Jack’s face was quizzical, amused by the question. “Eh, yeah?”

“This isn’t one of those moments. I love you, hon.”

Jack’s arm’s curled gently tighter around Bitty, his bottom arm cupping Bitty’s pec, his top hand petting Bitty’s cheek. “I love you, Bitty.”

Bitty exhaled again, this working on leveling his breathing out. “So…is this how it always is? In case it’s not obvious by now, I still think you know more about this than I do.”

Jack smirked and without a moment to pause “Yeah, I definitely know more about this than you.” Bitty kissed Jack’s hand in retaliation, which Jack enjoyed. “But, well no. As this happens more, your body will get more used to it. And as our trust grows, we’ll be more willing to try new things. You know…kinks and stuff. But, I mean…hopefully it always feels this good.”

Bitty hid a smirk. “Nah, hopefully it feels better.” They fell asleep, not even noticing the hail on this cold providence night clang against the roof.


End file.
